Finding Grace in Singleness

What is your word for the year?

You know how we pray at the onset of a new year and ask God for a word that we could embrace for the entire year, and then we cling to all the signs that confirm this word? One year my word was surrender. Another year it was courage. But what happens when we get a word that we don't want. Like everyone's word in 2020…COVID! For me, another word that seems to have a lingering and sometimes damaging effect is single.

Every year, I tuck this word into my pocket and dare to live a full, purpose-driven, and joy-filled life, despite this void that I feel in my heart.

I rejoice over all that God has done, but then come the moments when I have to clutch the hand of God to endure the engagements, weddings, kids’ birthday parties, baby showers, and holiday gatherings.

I don't hold any bitterness or resentment toward the people who are celebrating these milestones or have relationship news to share. I happily help pull off surprise proposals, make bouquets for beautiful brides, and gush over tiny onesies as I pick out baby shower gifts. There is no more incredible feeling than watching my niece, nephew, and all fifteen (and counting) of my baby cousins tear through wrapping paper during my family's annual kids’ Christmas Eve party. However, not one of those little faces has my smile.

So that night passes, along with the countless other celebrations, and my situation doesn't change. I go home, make myself dinner, let my puppy crawl in my lap, and sit…alone.

In these moments, I feel this tug in my heart between joy and sorrow. I feel joy for my loved ones because I've seen some of them fight to get to the altar after failed relationships or waiting on the Lord's best. I rejoice when a loved one is blessed to conceive and bring new life into this world after the heartbreaking loss of a child.

But then my heart tugs the other way, and I whisper through tears, "God, why can't I have these things? What is wrong with me?"

There are days when I am at perfect peace with my relationship status or not having the privilege of being called mama. In these days of singleness, however, I do have the privilege of eating chocolate for dinner after I work out because that's called balance. I do the heart-work on these days to fill my mind with what I will need for the inevitable days to come when the grief-filled memories of past heartbreaks reel through my mind, or when I'm dealing with the shame of my scarred past.

On these days, I write:

Today, I am happy with exactly the way my life is, and I need to remember this feeling when the days come that I feel sorrow. Lord, thank you for my beautiful life and forgive me for the times when I don't love it enough. Thank you for healing me from the heartbreak that almost killed me. Thank you for saving me when I was so lost in sin. I know, God, you are for me. I know you love me. I know your plans are good.

Then on the days when my heart is overwhelmed with sadness, and I'm sitting alone, I go back and read these pages. I read them out loud through tears and all. I then turn to a blank page and write:

God, I don't understand, but I am trying trusting you. This doesn't feel good, but I know that you are good. You love me. That has to be enough. Please help me to see that you are enough?

By the time I reach the final pages of a journal, the lines are showered with tear stains, smeared ink, surrender, courage, unbelief, faith, anger, and God-given strength.

I find peace knowing that there is space for both my joy and my pain.

On some pages, my story radiates so much happiness, which is followed by a few pages of questions for all that I don't understand. But one word I find throughout every page is grace.

No matter the word I choose for myself at the beginning of the year, no matter the words I have to embrace as I live this hard but good life (as my friend Katherine continually reminds me) I am amazed at God's unending and unfailing grace that helps me on every step of the journey.

I’ve learned that my desires don't define my life. His grace does.

On the days when my heart wants to wage war on what I know to be true in my mind, God in His grace reminds me that being single is my relationship status and not an appraisal of my worth. The words He speaks over me are loved, chosen, worthy, and cherished. I can carry these words with me whether I am on the mountaintop or being led through the valley.

I am not single because something is wrong with me—it is simply not my time. I wouldn't say I always like hearing that, but it doesn't make it any less true.

I can continue to live my life in pursuit of hearing Well done, even if I’ll never hear I do.

It's this grace that helps me to live a purpose-driven life, laugh more than I breathe because I am so happy, and love on my people deeply right where I am just as I am.

My life is full in some of the most important ways, but I long for even more. It's the pain of that longing that keeps me near the cross. I am not a mother or a wife, but I believe it will happen. And on the days that gets hard to hear, grace moves in and enables me to live the beautiful life I’ve actually been given, instead of the one I wished to have.